I've been a mess the past 3 days. I've been trying so hard not to let it show to anyone, but I get to thinking and I start crying. I can't believe I let myself do this. Let down my guard, give him all of me. It felt like it was never enough. But he'll realize, just like every single time what he decided to do.
My heart burns. I knew this was coming by the way he was seperating us. And I felt Cory's presence again which meant something bad was going to happen. I dreamt of him, yet I don't recall what the dream was about.
I tried so hard to keep us slow, but you caught me in such a whirl wind I went with it. I wanted to prove to you I was as loyal as they come. I'm not like other girls. I should've kept my guard up, and its obvious he kept his up the whole time he wanted me to drop mine.
You said "I love you" first, even when I kept telling you to stop, it was too soon. And calling me when your at a party talking about me to everyone saying how much you miss me and wish I was there by your side. How "you can see us being together for a long time, not to freak me out".
I'm dumb for not seeing the red flag when you asked me out when you were drunk, and the next day when we talked about it you said "Well I thought we were trying to take things slow?"
Than how after all I tried, growing out the strip, doing everything you wanted in bed, became all about you, not talking to any of my friends, you become distant. Have the balls to tell me your sick than when I ask if you want me to come over you say "You can, but I don't know what the deal with us will be later. I might be going out with the boys tonight"
Than the text comes saying "We really need to talk about us and everything. Having to do with title and seriousness". Telling me you rushed things aren't weren't ready for a serious relationship since you just got out of one and were still in your paranoid worry stage. Than how you tried carrying over your feelings from your last relationship with how you felt with her. Yet still want to "slow things down and hang out". What does that mean? Which turns into being "close friends".
Than when I see you, I was a soldier. I had the fakest smile on while really I was melting inside cause I was so happy to see you. Than messing with my head.
"What are you doing tonight?"
"I'm going to Margate to Memories. You?"
"I was thinking about going to Nuts' house, but I don't wanna take the drive by myself"
Than saying "You have plans tomorrow night, right? Well I have the show that starts at 9 in maryland and probably won't be home until 2 AM, so I don't think I'll get to see you tomorrow, but we're definitly hanging out when I get back from tour". But I didn't say anything about trying to see you tomorrow, so why assume that I wanted to see you? Than you actually walk me to my car, hug me and go to kiss my cheek? No buddy.
This hurts so bad. This always happens to me. But if I'm right, if it's going to happen how it did with Keith, Josh, Louie, every guy, he'll realize what he did. I don't know if there is another girl, I don't know anything.
I just know for a fact that no one obviously deserves what I have to offer. I'm the girl who will stick by your side day and night. For all my guys I tried. Louie especiallly.
Keith came running back after leaving me. Louie stopped talking to me, than came back cause he missed me. Josh was just Josh. Spencer was a dick. Eddie was eddie. They all come back. And I'm sick of it.
For the first time in 3 years I'm going to take it upon myself to focus on myself and not on others. It's time to fall back in love with myself.
